At this rate I am going to lose whatever following I do have. Still, this is my hill and I can do whatever I like on it.
I get why people see psychoanalysts. Sometimes you just want to talk to someone. In my case I always want to talk to whomever is responsible, indirectly or not, for my distress. Ronnie, you probably got a sample of that more than a decade ago (and are still talking to me, oddly enough.) I’m sure I’ve matured emotionally a little over the last 10 years. Honestly I’m not sure I am the right person to ask.
I was told to fess up. To admit that I had fallen for this one. It seems to be getting easier to admit that to myself. Still sucks though. 
I told someone that I do not fit the classic model for the “5 stages of Grief.” Yeah, well… o.k. so maybe I’m not that different from everyone else in that regard either.
Denial, check. Anger, oohooh yeah, check. Bargaining, what, me? Nah… oh wait.
This compulsion I feel to talk things out, to say “just one more thing,” or to ask “just one more question,” is probably classic bargaining. It’s as if somehow hearing the right answer, or any answer, will make everything ok, or at least make me a little less miserable. I just want everything to be ok.
So yeah, Bargaining? Check.
It is easy for everyone who loves me to dismiss this woman as, well, some pretty nasty things. I admit, I do see traits I don’t like. I am aware of behaviors that should be setting off alot more alarms that they do. I guess it’s pretty clear. I was, and to an extent still am, blind. When I look at her, I still, mostly, like what I see.
… So I asked her how I got from “making her feel totally comfortable and like a teenager,” to “taking things too far and making her extremely uncomfortable.” (She was sick and I sent her flowers.) She told me that I had no respect for her relationship. In many things she said to me, in her behavior, she seemed to have so little respect for this relationship herself, that it is easy to admit that yes, I didn’t have much respect for it either. I suspect she was pretty confused about this relationship herself.
I then asked, “So what were you doing with me?” Why would she go on a date with me, and bring someone she was (apparently) dating? Why would she and I be flirting shamelessly, and even have kissed a few times?
“I was entertaining the though of entering into a relationship with you.” Ouch. On so many levels, OUCH! In a sense, I did sabotage a relationship with her. This is irrelevant because she, doubtless, still would have reconciled with her Ex. However, WTH? Call me naive, but I would say she was doing a little more than entertaining the thought of a relationship. And If this relationship I was disrespecting was so important to her, why would she be entertaining the thought of entering another relationship, let alone bring me along!?
This part will have my mother and sister howling…
Later on I apologized. I told her, “I never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable and I never meant anyone any disrespect, but I fell for you pretty hard, and I believed what I wanted to believe.” That was the last that was said about it. I will do my best to make sure that is the last I say of it. Time will tell.
I still have questions rattling around in my head. I am fighting desperately to bury and forget these questions. I look forward to the time when I really don’t give a damn anymore. It’ll come, this I know, cause I’ve been there before.
So if I am still mired in Bargaining, then that means I have one more ugly phase left. Depression. I should read and find if these stages can ever occur concurrently. I’ve lost a friend, and a great working relationship with a colleague. I feel so bad about that. I really do just want my friend back.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think this is all my fault. I don’t think I’m necessarily blameless either. Now that I think about it though… these things I did, weren’t my fault.
If you haven’t caught on yet, yes. She is a coworker. Well, I don’t go out much. I spend most of my time at work. There you have it. Those eHarmony advertisments are starting to make an impression though. This is always a danger. The awkwardness that follows. You have to keep in mind that if you’re going to go for it, there could be consequences. Maybe that’s what I learned this time. Just stop mixing work and romance.
Oh man…. this sucks.
